Hi..

Just to fill up this silence.. Now I don't intend on making this like my personal blog or anything, but I think there can still be lessons to be learnt here. For those of you who knew, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. No, it wasn't because of a fight nor was it because he dumped me. In fact, we did this relatively peaceful with both concencus.

Thing is, the irony of it all is that since the breakup 5 nights ago until now, I've been thinking about him more than the rest of the months combined. I wonder if this is some kind of trickeries done psychologically with the mind, or does it correlate directly to the "you don't know what you've got until you lose it".. maybe. But I blame it on my female brain that thinks too much to the point of overthinking for my own good.

Now I intend to write this down to crystallize my own thoughts. I think it's good to reflect on it while it was still fresh. Reasons why I actually called it off (yes, I was the one). Reasons why I don't think the relationship would work. Things like that. 

Biggest factor I would have to say would be due to the long distance (in general). Now it's a fact: I hate hate hate LDR: never liked it, never think it would work.. not to say that it was the sole reason that we broke up, but becaue of this LDR, I understand why it was so hard to maintain a relationship. The three crucial factor to any relationships: Trust, Communication as well as Commitment. LDR just made it that much harder.

I have to disclaim myself here. If you think this post is gonna be just another one of those sappy breakup posts, you might be right. It will be long. If you don't have the time to read it, I suggest you go to another blog. As for my friends, I don't want anybody to take sides or make the points in this blog be like a blame to anybody. If it's anything, I am to be blamed.

So back to the reflections. LDR started the minute I finished my degree and came back to SG to be with my family and hope to find a job. He is still finishing up his last semester in MY. Adjustments have to be done quickly so that we still maintain some kind of relationship. At first it was ok. I came by every 3 weeks for some weekend events, moral support, fun in general. That lasted until November when he finished his last paper and came back to his hometown. I came to Pulau Pinang end Nov/earlyDec before finishing up my reserves (aka savings) and I got panicky about getting a job. In the end I chose to go thru with one that his family has had a bad encounter with but that he said he supported my choice. In the middle of my job training month in March, I purposefully chose to go and attend his graduation back in MY and that was the last time I saw him in person. I mean, we were supposed to be reunited but.. this for another section.

Feelings. Let's talk about feelings. Honestly I don't even know if what I have for him is love, or just a strong like. I first liked him for his philosophy when he shared with me his ideologies in the first week of our relationship. I genuinely thought, 'wow, what an interesting guy'.. but interesting does not sustain a relationship enough. Soon, we fought over small things, and bigger things, and some that blow up a few storeys high. However, letting the relationship go at that time meant more than just going separate ways, so we held on. 1 year passed, 2 years, few regrets started building up in my mind saying 'if I wasn't in this relationship already I would've ...' I know those thoughts aren't healthy, so I try to generally put them aside. However, LDR gave me more time to think to myself, coz we weren't glued together 24/7. So I came back to those thoughts and started asking why.. and as I reflected more and more I started to question whether what I have for him is really what they call love. (What is love? Baby don't hurt me.. don't hurt me.. no more) Hence my first reason why I broke up:

1. Lack of feelings for the dude.

Now I know how cliché this might sound for a break up reason. Heck I've actually gotten this from my previous relationship and I wonder whether I'm becoming a scumbag for using the same reason. I think I am, and I'm not. Coz I've been reflecting this ever since our 'soft breakup' when we separated to different countries, and I wonder since when did I start thinking that going over to MY for a weekend motivational support became an obligation as a nice girlfriend act. To think that it was an obligation. So seriously, somewhere along the way, LDR has separated more than just the kilometers between us. The feelings died off slowly, but it happened, and the relationship hence is imbalanced.

I suppose to write all experiences down would take more than just a blog post (might even write a book on it, but I won't) but I remember key events that happened.. Like how I used to think it's funny when I'm discussing how my LDR is not all that jazz when a friend actually roots for the guy and wants the relationship to continue. I even wrote a list of things that I love about the guy (so for ladies out there who's looking, I can assure you he's a great catch) Some of them are: non-smoker, not an alcoholic or drug user, HONEST & LOYAL, knows martial arts, reads a lot, planner, able to express himself well, accepts & supports my fandom for Brian Joo, treasures the relationship, will not go out 1-on-1 with other girls, *willing to change/improve himself*, likes Japanese culture like me (a little too much, perhaps), his mind is open towards supernatural beings in this world (not limiting to religious stuff), has helped me to become more humble and is not someone who gives up easily. The last point is still true because I've been trying to end this relationship since March when I came over, and the only reason why I held on is because he doesn't wanna let go. I suppose I could build up feelings for the guy as I did when he captivated me the first time. Precisely why I made the list to remind myself of the reasons to stay on. But in the end I think it would be just fooling myself, coz those feelings are easily brought down at the slightest argument, or misunderstanding, or something which brings me to my next reason:

2. In every conversation, there happened to be something that irritates me, be it due to a miscommunication, or the way that he talked in terms of words, tonations, something everytime.

Yes, if you're wondering, I made a list of reasons why I broke up, soon after that night, to remind myself in case I'm wavering (like now). I mean, I don't know what it is, the underlying reason that causes me to be irritated.. but I sort of saw a pattern over our April/May communications.. always ending in someone getting aggravated/hurt, making promises over anger, and my irritation will only die down after a week or so, in which case there would be no communications whatsoever because I point blank don't wanna talk to him, then when I do, I sorta already forgotten about why we argue and he brought some of it up, and my mood would be dragged down again, and it's becoming a pattern. Also:

3. I can't make him feel better about himself without making me feel annoyed (in the process). 

To think about it, these might be trivial issues to the common people. They might, and someone might have just said to reverse it and don't think too much about the convo, but as I said, I don't know the exact underlying issue why #2 happened which led up to #3, it could be because of #1, but honestly,

4. I don't feel like I want to put in the effort to maintain this relationship.

So it's pretty clear. Communication is one thing but without the commitment, the relationship is pretty much one sided. Heck, in the month of June, our only conversations involved a happy anniversary message, some fb post likes and the one call I made on the 25th night to end it. In between, do I know what happened to him? None at all. We don't talk, I didn't really stalk his fb page like an overly attached gf, don't really know what's happening with his job search. Now this: he did mention in late May that he was going to sign some job contract with some Penang company and that was that, but hear me out: he was supposed to sign a contract an SG company offered him back in March (and we were supposed to be reunited as planned).. but nothing came from that particular company and so he decided to hack it and find another. How was I supposed to know that this company in Penang is not gonna bail him out too? Yes, communication works both ways. He said he was scared to contact me coz dont wanna set me off like #2, and I wasn't really paying much attention to what he's doing.. to the point that maybe I just don't care (gee, I really look like the bad guy here huh). But seriously? If he has to be scared of me, then the relationship is seriously not working out in the first place. I'm not some dominatrix woman or anything like that ya.

5. Did he bring out the best in me? I don't know. What do y'all think?

I'm pretty sure we both come out a better person along the way. But I always don't feel like I'm that great of a person when I'm around him. Was he the best person for me? I don't know.

6. Skipped

7. Way too geeky, way too violent-loving for my taste (I Don't Like To Watch Takeshi Kitano or those way-too-overly geeky shows!)

8. I don't miss him that much.

This is probably a reiteration of #1, but it's still a valid point in itself. LDR involves ppl missing each other, the desire to talk and find out about what the other person is doing and how's his/her days.. things like that. If I don't miss him, only think about him once a while, and my last thoughts were 'wah, he can tahan 3 weeks without contacting me ah' instead of the usual couple thoughts, then yeah, I don't think it's even remotely fair for him to be in a relationship with me.

9. Skipped

10. No sense of direction (the relationship, me included)

Yes, I do have a bad sense of direction. Besides the point, basically there wasn't any clear plan on this LDR. Now that he's been in the job for a month, we both are set to be in the particular job for at least a year, the end point of together-ness become dimmer and dimmer by the second.

11. I can't wait that long until the uncertainty whether we are going to be physically together (him coming to SG or otherwise, no proper planning is done)

12. I always seem to hurt him with what I do. 

It's not right. A relationship shouldn't be that way. This stems to the TCC. Apart from the other two: I think I still have trust issues. I blame it on my past relationships not working out well. I don't believe someone could have changed so tremendously that they are completely someone else. Although it was this precise philosophy that got me hooked the first time, he said to me: imagine a ship and a carpenter. Every day that carpenter will go around checking every wooden planks of the ship and will replace the bad ones. If the ship has 365 planks and the carpenter change 1 plank a day, that would mean, technically, the ship is a whole new ship after 1 year. While I think it is mostly true, and I see the changes in him over the years, and how he has 'grown out of the shell' as compared to the first time we met, fundamentally a ship's engine is still the same, and even if every part of the ship is changed, a ship is still a ship. It wouldn't simply change to becoming a boat or the Titanic. There will be still things that I can't accept about him, and me to him that will eventually repeat the hurt all over again.

Almost 3 years, no doubt we've been thru a lot, the good and the bad. We had a strong relationship. Just that I wasn't sure where it's heading. Always constantly asking whether he is the right one for me. Whether I jump the gun too fast on this one (his proposal was a quick one, take it or leave it and I decided to take the leap of faith). Which brings me to my last point:

13. I was never obsessed about loving him/being in-love with him.

Maybe it's because I've never really known the guy prior to making the commitment. Maybe it's because I don't really know what I want. Whatever it is, I decided to end the relationship and sort of forced him to reluctantly end it too. He is a great guy, the greatest guy I've ever met thus far. But we wouldn't work it out. Not now, at least. 

I made up my resolution: I want to be able to choose with conviction who I really want to spend the rest of my life with, be it him or anyone else. I sincerely felt that I was robbed of that decision suddenly when he came by and 'swung my feet off the ground' - honestly somewhat manga-like <3. Yes, even though I had a choice to take it or leave it, it felt rushed and I should have just stick by my principle to take it slow. I'm sorry. I need to know what I'm getting into. 50 years or more together-ness time is no joke. Yes, we can take this time of our life to decide who to spend our lifetime with and yes, we should and yes, I will. So an advice: don't settle for less than what you hoped to achieve, be it in relationship or anything else. Don't settle just coz you're desperate to settle down. Love works both ways. I sincerely hope and pray that my next one will be an equal relationship where loving each other would be as easy as breathing air. Pray for me too.

If anything else, I hope by reading my reflections you have learnt one thing or two. Sincere thanks for putting up with me and thank you for reading this post through the end. *virtual hugs* :)